I know, I know – another early-in-the-week blog. Totally throwing you off, no? But…I’ll be busy at the end of the week, so thought it was only fair to do something in advance. Just to be safe. I’m already pre-enjoying my Memorial Day plans – a much needed trip to see my lil buddy, Jack. And to play one of my best roles – The Traveling Handyman. While I should get started on packing clothes tonight – instead I’ll be shining up the drill, saw and clippers for a trip north.
Now for the actual blog.
I have always, always, always looked down on the Candle Snifter.
Yes, I know – that is probably a sentence you’d been expecting to read for a loooooooooong time. Well, good news, the day is here.
Sometimes things get invented that I just fail to see any purpose in.
The Candle Snifter being one of them. I always wondered who the genius was who, after blowing out a candle one day, said, “Gosh, that was super hard. I had to exhale quickly just to get the tiny flame extinguished. If only there were a way to do this in which I not only didn’t have to expel any air – but could also refrain from holding my hand behind said candle to protect my belongings from any errant speckles of wax.”
Was it really that traumatic or taxing of an experience that we needed a whole system to do the exhaustive job for us? Were there people who had to skip events after blowing out their candles because they were just driven to function overload?
I’m wondering if the ability to blow out a candle should be a gauge of “How are you?” Well, I’m good enough to blow out a candle all by myself.
So there’s that.
As luck would have it – just a few weeks ago, I came across an ad for a product that was going to CHANGE THE WAY YOU FEEL ABOUT WASHING YOUR PET.
Come again? Will it enable dog to get into the shower by herself, grip the shower head in one paw while scrubbing her nether regions with the other? Because I’m in!
How your life is going to change is that when you wear these NEW inventions (in the form of, um, gloves) you will no longer have those pesky drips coming down your arms. You know the ones – they start, well, at the faucet and careen toward you wrists. Then beyond. Until, before you know it, you’re whole upper body is as wet as a towel removed from the washer before the spin cycle.
Evidently. I mean, that’s never actually happened to me. Maybe it’s because when I wash my dog, I’m not placing her above my head – so I don’t have to reach UP, thus forcing the drips to come DOWN. Another idea, my friends, is to bathe your dog in the tub. Where drips don’t matter. Especially if you both wear your birthday suits.
Who is using so much water and/or product when washing something that they are currently jumping for joy – missing the whole point of this blog – at the news of this debuting product?
Which led me to… my Bed, Bath and Beyond flyer. Where I saw this:
You want to know why kids aren’t as tough as they used to be? Because someone has invented a way for them to fill water balloons that takes all the difficulty out of trying to fill water balloons. I’m shocked that this doesn’t come with a little man to tie the balloons as well.
Also – what good is a water balloon if it is the size of a baseball? If it’s not looming on volleyball size, I’ll pass. I’m not trying splish my friends with a dainty bit of water. I want to SPLASH them with something akin to torrential. I want them wet enough to start begging for a pair of Drip Free Gloves just so something on their person wasn’t drenched.
If I’m not getting myself soaked in the struggle with the hose faucet – doesn’t half of that glee disappear? Their shouldn’t be a faucet in America without the remnants of failed balloons wrapped around it. You know what I mean – just when you’ve got the balloon to capacity, the neck of it breaks off – leaving you a mess and a bright orange band around the faucet? Quickly forgotten while you go in with a reinforcement balloon.
But then it got worse. Because I saw this:
Know what that is? Bananza! Bananza! Bananza!
Because apparently it has become too much, just too, too much to peel our own bananas. Now we have a special tool to “Pop the Top” and offers no mess and no mush.
Newsflash A: Bananas get mushy when they are old. They get mushy when the brown starts creeping onto the peel. If your bananas are getting mushy from the effort of your peeling technique, well, what the hell are you doing to it?
Newsflash B: Bananas are NOT hard to peel. No harder than blowing out a candle actually. You can do it one handed really. All you need is a fingernail or teeth or strong fingers to ‘Pop the Top’ and you are on your way. With an extra ten bucks in your pocket because you were smart enough NOT to buy the Bananza.
Newsflash C: If you really need the Bananza, I here by forbid you to eat bananas.
Ironically – I can’t decide if these and products like these make us a lazier country or not. I mean, yeah – at first glance it seems that there is a whole society actively seeking out ways to not do things. Like peel. Or blow. But I also feel that there should be a teeny tiny bit of credit for creativity.
But then I have to cancel out the tiny bit of credit for creativity because I remember my initial reaction of “Are you kidding me???”
If someone is going to spend time making my life ‘easier,’ here are the areas I’d like the focus to shine on:
* Changing a car tire. Please make a machine to do it for me. A machine that stores nicely in my trunk.
* I’d like a steam cleaner for my carpets that functions like the Roomba. Automatic all the way with GPS.
* Unloading the dishwasher. If that could just be done without my input, that’d be great.
* Folding the laundry – again, take me out of the equation and I’lll buy your product.
* Coffee. Make it automatically appear in the mornings, even if I forgot to load the coffee maker.
* Fill my gas tank without my participation. If they have automatic cow-milkers – isn’t this just the opposite motion?
Just throwing those out there. With a verbal Trade Mark. I
n case anyone opts to steal my ideas.
Like they did with the Snuggee.
Because lying in a blanket was just too dang hard.